Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Mental Abuse
Abuse is lonely, scary, and emotionally disastrous to you and those around you. It is a fear that emulates from the gut. It is the feeling of not being: good, smart, successful, safe, or worthy enough,… and the list goes on and on
Abuse is a perception. The perception is yours.
You use excuses: He was drunk. He didn’t mean it. He just had a bad day. He will be over it tomorrow.
Deep down, you want to run away. You feel trapped in your own cage of fear. All you can do is curl up in a fetal position and go to sleepand pray for answers, but there are none; you pray for him to change, but know he won’t.
He takes everything out on you. You are never good enough.
Abuse has a lasting effect on the future for countless men and women throughout the world. The harder you try to depress the memories, they come up unexpectedly in odd times. For instance when we see a little girl or boy on tv (about the same age as us when the abuse started), the emotions are on high alert and we feel their pain. We are also reminded of our own guilt and shame.
Wait just a minute. Did I say guilt and shame? Why would I feel guilt and shame? Because I thought there was something I did that and it was my fault;Did you make a mess, or cry? You were how old the first time you felt “not good enough”?
You felt it was your fault, ergo, guilt and shame.
Guilt and shame are far-reaching emotions. The can really mess up you future.
Guilt of the past creates Fear of the Future.
As the years of abuse go on, child-like fear is replaced by adult rage and hatred for oneself and for the abuser. He, who was once our Prince Charming has now become our enemy.
Or, self-hatred and fear imprison us, and live in a fetal mentality. (completely controlled by another).
You have the ability to remove yourself emotionally from the situation. When you can do that, a logical and safe solution will be yours.
Read the Basics of Love, The Mind and Self-esteem to discover the cause of your fears, and discover new parts to love about yourself.
Parental Child Abuse
Parental abuse that occurs on the outside of a child is nothing compared to the guilt and shame they feel on the inside. Their perception is:
“I am so bad that my own parent couldn’t love me”.
Their need to survive leads them to disruptive behavior, entrenched in passion, or a victim, waiting to be plucked by the first abuser they find. Then the sequence of abuse goes on and on.
Let’s start with the abuser. In order to understand him please recall the childhood he lived. What did he tell you about his family dynamics?
Who or what took his power?
To the degree he abuses; that is the degree he feels fear of his own childhood demons.
I would like for you to do an internet search “history social & the year he was born”.
Centuries are defined by their culture; Roaring 20’s, Great Depression, What were the social and economics norms of the day?
What was his parents’ relationship in the first three years of his life?
What were their parents like? Each generation inherits from their parents. They will either mimic their actions to get approval or will strongly reverse the trend.
Find out where your abuser learned to abuse and why. You may find it in his genetic past. Who was the person that taught/caused him to abuse? Who did he learn it from?
They abuse because it makes them feel powerful. They feel defeated and powerless inside.
Anger is nothing more that unresolved fear.
This may be the time to stop the cycle of abuse. Make your plan to leave.
Child Sexual Abuse
I will start this segment with a case study.
Dolly is an extreme case, but one which illustrates the life of a five-year old sexually-abused child.
Her mother was an apartment manager and had little time for her although she took Dolly to the office with her each day. Her current boyfriend came over every night. Her father had vanished. Dolly was left to feel the darkness of her room, alone, and feeling unloved.
She loved to go visit the maintenance man on his job. He paid attention to her and she felt special. His family was still living in his native country. He was young, lonely and in need of attention, too.
One thing led to another and Jose’ sexually molested Dolly. This started her twenty year journey of being used and emotionally abused by dozens of men.
Dolly had a lengthy medical history of depression, suicides, and cutting. She had been given a mental health handicap; consequently, she couldn’t be fired because of it.
Dolly was 36 when I first met her. As I gained her trust and felt her pain, we became friends.
She told me of the men, many of whom were family members and what they had done to her.
Hatred of them and hatred of Jose’ were replaced by hatred of herself. She had survived 3 suicide attempts, her arms and thighs were had deed scars where she cut herself with her keys.
Then, a life changing revelation happened.
She realized that it was not the abuse that caused her to be mentally ill, but rather the guilt and shame she carried. She cut herself because it eased the pain she felt deep inside.
Finally, when she was able to admit to herself and me, that she was the one that went back to see Jose’, time after time and actively put herself in the position to be molested.
To survive we must have food, clothing, shelter and…Attention.
If you put a one-year old in a closet and give her food, clothing and shelter, but no human interactions, by the age of 3 she will be incapable to progress mentally beyond kindergarten.
Dolly became an accomplished seductress, as her needs for attention grew, always feeling like the victim and denying the role she played in the abuse.
She was just a lonely little girl. It was not the abuse, but rather the guilt and shame that threw her into psychotic episodes.
Perceptions, like hers, eat at us and are hidden deep inside. These beliefs can, and will devour our lives until we find them, and reexamine them with adult eyes and logical thinking.
Mental and/or Physical Abuse
The bruises fade and the bones mend, but the mental abuse sits on your shoulder and travels with you constantly. As long as the guilt persists, you will naturally attract men who abuse, and you will continue to put up with it!
When you find your truth, your freedom from guilt will be the key to healing.
How has the guilt from your past impacted the life your lead today? Write down that secret.
Visit once again your most the things you most value.. Are they a direct result of your struggles? How has it helped you to become a better parent, friend or lover?
When the heartbreaks of the past are weighed, you will see symmetry and balance. There is nothing in our universe that is not balanced. Again, it is only our personal perceptions that are out of whack.
The devastating effect of physical abuse is one that I experienced first-hand. Mine was not the worst, but had a profound impact, nonetheless.
Afterwards I would be nicer to him, trying to find ways to make him stop.
Never did I try to figure out what caused him to abuse me. To me, it was a huge mystery. It never occurred to me to look closer at his childhood. If I had, I would have found my answers.
He was conflicted when it came to sex, so he used alcohol to numb his guilt of the past.
You can’t fix your abuser.
With the help of Al anon, I found the strength to leave after almost 20 years.
When it comes to abuse, it is not your job to “fix” him. Your job is to understand why you tolerate it. When did your co-dependency start? Make a mental list of why do you think he will change? Forget it, he won’t.
The best thing you can do is get to a safe place with your children. If you don’t have any children, go anyway. By the time he impregnates you, it will be much more difficult to leave, emotionally and financially.
For the sake of your future children, leave as soon as possible. Tell a trusted friend and take pictures of the physical abuse and/or keep a diary of the abuse. It will not only help you to get it off your chest, but can be used in court as documentation of abuse, which may be necessary during custody hearings or divorce proceedings.
I welcome all comments.
You are forever on my mind as
I work to reach you and teach you.
This is my work. This is my life.
Thank you for being a part of it.